Letters to the Editors
Christmas Holly
Dear Editors,
This is to let you know that the sale of Christmas Holly raised an excellent £136 which will be divided between the Church Flower Fund and St Mary's. Thank you very much for once again supporting this cause. Alastair and Elisabeth Everitt work hard each year to organise the cutting of the holly and the sale of it and we are very grateful for their efforts. I understand that this year Andrew Camps was busy cutting the holly too so thanks must go to him as well. It was thought there would be fewer berries this year but when I went to buy mine there certainly seemed to be plenty. I hope you were all as lucky!
A belated, but none the less sincere, Happy New Year to you all.
St Mary's Church Electoral Role 2007
Dear Editors,
Every sixth year, we prepare a new electoral role which means that all those at present on the role are removed and those members must reapply and complete another application form. New members are always welcome.
The role is St Mary's register of electors, the list of those qualified to attend and to vote at the Annual Parochial Meeting where elections take place for:
- the Parochial Church Council
- the parish representative on the deanery synod.
Any person may be on the role who is:
- baptised
- a member of the Church of England or a church in communion with the Church of England
- of seventeen years or upwards
- resident of the parish or who has regularly attended public worship in the parish during the period of six months prior to enrolment
- has signed the form of application for enrolment
We have a lovely church; by putting your name on the electoral role, you can help to support it and play your part in decision making.
Application forms are available from Barbara Dennis who is the Electoral Role Officer.
That S Word Again...
Dear Eds
So Mr Everitt's new argument for the authorship of Shakespeare's plays, in summary, is that Shakespeare did write them because his name's on them, and the logic for this can be found in the Just William stories. Not swayed (in Crier correspondence - around the Millenium and since - ) by my ingenious, outrageous and sometimes even entirely rational arguments, suddenly he caves in. Something doesn't add up here. Hmmm..
Either: version I
(Thinks) Mr Everitt would never be persuaded by logic, not even the bizarre manifestations found in Just William. (Aloud) That's it! Mr Everitt would never think such a thing! That's not the real Mr Everitt! The Cybermen have replaced Mr Everitt with a robot to get control of the Village Hall! They want to turn it into a space-time portal by which they can bring an army of Cybermen to take over the Earth - to The Tardis, quickly, while there's still time!
.. Alternatively, check the bookings to see what time they're arriving: but "Quick! Phone Barbara Dennis - tell her not to give any aliens the key" doesn't have the same ring, does it?
Or: version II
(thinks) He doesn't mean it. I pointed out years ago that Shakespeare was credited with having written his own plays. He has an ulterior motive.. Apply Shakespearian word puzzle conspiracy techniques to seek the real meaning.. Try taking the first letter of each sentence and see what it spells: Paragraph 1: DIIE. Well, that's fairly transparent, despite the misspelling, but hardly in the spirit of intelligent debate, now, is it? Perhaps it's the Daleks that got to him instead.. Paragraph 2: E. Hm. Slightly more puzzling. Could it be a compass point? Paragraph 3: TJMBH. Obviously means something. 'That's Just My Brilliant Hieroglyphics' ie Mr E showing that it's a code. Paragraph 4: W. There. I said paragraph 2 was a compass point. So is Paragraph 4. Decide for yourselves what East & west signify in this story - I've done the hard work, after all.
(Or maybe it's 'East to West'! It's the space-time trajectory of the Cybermen! - to The Tardis, quickly, while there's still time!!)
Or else: version III
(thinks) It's a trap. He's trying to lull me into complacency and to slip something past me here.. Apply more Shakespearian conspiracy logic.. Ah - a section in different type in the second line - those Elizabethans did that sometimes: put things in different fonts to make it blindingly obvious for those who were useless at spotting clues.. 'principally from the Lower End Quarter of the Village' - well now. He means me, for sure, but he can't be referring to my address - I don't live in Lower End. So - Lower, is it? I think the world should know that my Ordnance Survey map puts my Fairview Grove residence at precisely the same height above sea level as his. Not a fag paper between 'em, my old dad would say ( - and he smoked roll-ups, so he knew what he was on about). Or are we talking neither height nor address - but social order? Aha! Mr Everitt is trying to elevate his end of the village over this one again. An ancient dispute rises from the ashes of Criers of yore! Sounds like grounds for a duel - in which case I challenge Mr Everitt to define the terms of his 'Quarter' of the village! As the wronged party I claim the right to choose the time, place and weaponry.
I throw down my gage! (will a motorbike glove do?) I demand satisfaction! (Isn't that what they usually say? If so, it seems a bit excessive). I will meet him - High noon, on St Valentine's Day, in the churchyard, with wet flannels!
Hm. We ought to make it a ticket do, proceeds to the flower fund.. ? ask the Social Working Group if it fits.. hang on, check my diary.. no, the 14th'sa school day, can't do that one.. possibly rearrange it for the following Wednesday? No, no no - we've lost the moment. You can't do a duel by arranging diaries. It's an on-thespur thing, all shoot first and ask questions afterwards stuff. That's the trouble with village events - you can't do anything without planning it all out first..
Phew.
All this Shakespearian conspiracy stuff can be quite wearing after a while. You have to really want to find something to get any kind of story out of it.
One more go.
Version IV:
It could be one of the last ( - believe me, it's the last I'm up for) but also obvious typical Elizabethan/ Shakespearian tricks. Write a load of innocent-sounding stuff that no-one should get controversial about then put something dynamite in the postscript - your audience will lose interest in the main bit so they won't bother with the PS because they won't think there's anything there either. But of course, as you will have seen from the previous Crier, Mr Everitt, postscripts are a speciality of mine - (I am trying to resist the tendency to adopt a James Bond master-villain-type tone here, honest I am) So: what have we in your postscript? 'Full answer to be found in First Folio of 1623, anyone who has a copy should be able to discover what really happened.. especially with copy of amended will.. '
Oh right. So that is what it's all about. And he means me again, as he knows I have a copy (facsimile, that is). And if you think I'm going looking for the hidden meanings therein, think again. I've done my bit already, thanks. What's more, the introduction to the First Folio has seven separate passages or poems of dedication, and an engraving of Shakespeare. One of those seven is two sides of double-edged stuff from fellow (and rival) playwright/satirist Ben Jonson who could no more write a pair of lines without a double meaning, than would Messrs Corbett & Barker, foretitled Ronnie. So you'll be well away just on that one for starters.
And as you can see from my various forays into the writings of Mr Everitt, all you have to do is go through it all with the intention of finding stuff and believe me, you'll find it. Just try and remember that Dr Who wasn't around then.. Or was he?
Diddlee-dee, diddlee-dee, diddlee-dee-dee, (Dr Who Theme Tune)
whoo-oo, woo! Diddlee-dee.. diddlee-dee -dee
Diddlee-dee, diddlee-dee, Diddlee-dee.. diddlee-dee -dee ..
- See? 10-syllable rhyming verse. Almost but not quite Iambic pentameter.
There you have it - the Time Lords invented Shakespearian verse form.
More proof positive if you need it: there are Doctors in a number of Shakespeare plays.. Take that one in Macbeth. (or possibly two, if you think Malcolm would have had a different GP to Macbeth. They hadn't many to go round even then, pre- NHS restructuring, and you were lucky to get an appointment at any time unless you were a king) Appearing out of nowhere, disappearing again just as quick, having made various expert noises but apparently otherwise doing nothing useful at all.
Probably saved the galaxy but nobody noticed. Classic Time Lord behaviour.
In vino et conspiratio veritas
PS I just realised the 'E' in the DIIE letter-count of the first paragraph was actually part of a sentence. (But I bet he meant it to be part of the code!!)
PPS which just goes to show even I want to believe in my own bizarre conspiracy theories, once I've thought of 'em. Nasty addictive little things, they are.
PPPS .. Unless 'DII' is Diana.. hang on - I think we've got a story for the Daily Mail here..